Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
